Put Your Pride Aside: Learning to accept and ask for help

There is a saying about raising a child taking a village. Basically saying, no one can do it all alone. This is not just true of raising a child. There are many instances in life when we are in over our heads. That is when we are meant to accept help when those around us see us stuggling - or better yet, asking for help when we are a little too good at hiding our struggles.

I am the queen of - putting up a strong front - suffering in silence - and sucking it up, sweetheart. I don't show my struggles because a) I don't want certain people to worry about me, and b) I don't want certain other people to know I am struggling. The problem is when these times of struggling hit I have a tendancy to pull inward and go quiet. I  am pretty good at throwing on a smile and faking it for a little while. But people who know me well enough, the ones I don't want to worry, can usually see through that smile pretty quick if not immediately. 

So, why try to do it all alone? Is it pride or is it something else?

I don't know exactly when I decided I should be able to do everything on my own. Maybe I'm just a control freak who believes that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. Or maybe I have been let down in the past and just feel it's better not to ask for help than to be disappointed someone lets me down again. The whole food me once - fool me twice thing....

The ironic thing is a spent the better part of last school year, when she had to redo her third year of high school in a special class, trying to convince my daughter that there was nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Actually, I might have been trying to convince her since she started high school and things weren't clicking as easily for her. She fought me tooth an nail, convinced that she should be able to figure things out on her own and that she didn't want or need anyone's help. I didn't realize it then, but I think she may have picked that up from me....

Here's the thing about both of us: We are both people who are always there to help others. So, why would it be such a bad thing to need help too sometimes?

This year has not been all rainbows and unicorns for me. I spent the first five months of this year struggling. Struggling to keep up with my workload that almost doubled after a coworker left. Struggling with the changes in my relationship with my daughter (all very natural as she approached her 16th birthday). Struggling with my mom being away and having to juggle responsibilities I was used to sharing on my own. I coped by eating my emotions - stressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed - food was there to fill the void and y sleeping a lot. The only thing that wasn't suffering during this time was my work. I was successfully juggling the tasks at work, but everywhere else I felt like a failure. Almost every conversation I had with my daughter ended in an argument or shouting match. I was gaining weight again. Still, when my mom asked me how things were going I put on a smile and tried to make like everything was fine. No use her worrying that my daughter and I might kill each other from all the way across the ocean. 

Finally, I reached out. I spoke to friends with older kids and they assured me that this was something eveery parent went through with their children. I wasn't failing and I wasn't alone. I reached out to my WW community Connect and was honest about my struggles as well. Not only did many of them understand what I was going through and my struggle with using food as a coping mechanism, but something crazy happened -  some people were thanking me for sharing my struggles because it let them know they weren't alone! I reconnected with some friends - breaking the silly self-imposed rule of going quiet when I didn't have anything "good" to share. I told them about how I had been struggling and how I didn't want to burden them with my struggles. And you know what? They told me that it helped them to know they weren't alone in feeling that way either!

I slowly began to understand that we all do this. We all hold back. Our Facebook, Instagram and other social media is this currated version of our lives. We don't want to burden or bring anyone down with our troubles. But the problem is by doing that other people think our lives and great. They don't see out struggled and so they think they shouldn't be struggling either....

I have been working since May to be more transparent. First, with those around me - family and friends are there to help and listen to me, just like I am for them. Then on social media. I started with Connect - it's still the place where I feel the safest sharing things. I think because on there everyone is striving for a similar goal - healthy weight loss and a healthy relationship with food. Then I began to also share a little more on Instagram - there are less people following me there so it is still a safe little bubble. After my birthday in July I started this blog, I was determined to put this journey of rediscovering who I am out there for anyone to read. That meant posting this on a public forum and sharing the link on all my social media. Again, the response has been astounding to me. To have so many people calling me brave and inspiring - to have them tell me they identify with what I am saying and feeling - it is nothing short of amazing. 

So, I challenge you all to share your struggles - maybe not on social media, but at least with those closest to you. Seek support, guidance and help. Delegate some things to others and know that you don't have to know it all or do it all alone to be successful! You just might help someone else realize they aren't alone after all. 

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