When grattitude is the attitude

Gratitude.

The word brings up thoughts of Thanksgiving, sitting around the table with family and going around one-by-one saying what we are thankful for. But gratitude is about more than being thankful. It's about appreciating what we have even if it isn't exactly what we want and appreciating those around us who help us in often imperceptible or overlooked ways every day.

An exercise in gratitude.

Last month, I joined a challenge set forth on the Weight Watchers social platform, Connect, by another member. A 4 week journaling challenge with 3 daily questions: 

1) What are you grateful for? 

2) What are you proud of? 

3) What are you looking forward to? 

Seems straight forward, right? Let me tell you, when you are in a negative mindset or a mindset of want and nothing is enough, it is not so easy. At least not at first. The first few nights took a lot of thought and I started by being grateful for a person (or group of people) in my life. Those go-tos: mom, friends, family, daughter, Connect, but once those were done I had to think harder. What did I have in my life that made things better - things that others might no be so lucky to have? As the weather grew hotter I was grateful for air conditioning. I like to take long walking adventures on weekends and after work and often end up eating out in the summer - grateful for restaurants with healthy options to keep me on track with my fitness and weight loss goals.

Once you get started, it is a total shift in your focus. Instead of focusing on what you don't have, you begin to look for the things you are grateful to have and appreciate them a little more. There are so many things to be grateful for in our lives - things we often take for granted. Though we might not have the home of our dreams, we have a roof over our heads - a shelter from the rain, the cold of winter and the sometimes intense heat of summer. There is food in our fridge and pantry - we don't go to sleep hungry unless it is our choice to. Our bodies might not look like the images we see in magazines and on television - we may have a few pounds to shed, but our bodies carry and support us through our day. I am healthy - not everyone is so lucky. I have a job - whether I love it or hate it, many people don't even have one to hate. Every day I am blessed. I wake up with my health, in a bed, in an apartment and I have food in the fridge to pack a lunch and clothes to wear. There are people in other parts of the world - and some right here in my city that cannot say the same. 

Sheryl Crow had it right, peeps! I dare you to take the challenge above and answer those 3 questions even just for a week. Answer those questions every night and see how your mindset changes as your focus shifts from what you don't have to appreciating what you do. It's liberating! 🤗💗

Maybe being single isn't so bad afterall....

So, I've been single a while. Maybe not 84 years, mind you, but a while... The truth is, most days I'm okay with that. Working full time and being a single mother don't leave a lot of time left over for me and I'm selfishly possessive of my me time. I still haven't found anyone that has me wanting to sacrifice my "me time". Do I miss having someone to snuggle with on the couch and watch a movie or "Netflix and chill" with? Sure, that is one of the major things I miss and sometimes I get lonely, but for the most part I am happy on my own. 

People don't always get that. They tell me I should get back out there like there is something wrong with being single....

Over the years (yeah years), I've been on two official dates. One epic all-day date where we went out for breakfast just the two of us and later went to the movies with my daughter. Then he came over for some "Netflix and chill" and pizza (you yhought I was exaggerating about the "all-day" thing). It was a nice day. There was a lot of kissing at the movies, some hand holding while we walked 

and a really nice kiss goodbye. He was a nice guy. My daughter liked him and he liked her. That night I went to bed with stars in my eyes. But the next morning the panic set in. The pros I have mentioned: nice guy, cute enough, likes my daughter and she likes him, good kisser.... 

Then my overthinking mind kicked in. He definitely liked me more than I liked him. He was 10 years younger than me and would eventually want kids. I do not want more children (or more specifically I do not want to be pregnant again). He was an outdoorsy hunter guy who dreamt of living in a cabin in the middle of the woods... Sounds beautiful for a night - maybe two.... but I am a city girl or at least one who likes civilization and coffee shops - oh and running water. So, I nipped that in the bud with a standard "it's not you, it's me" call. 

And it was the truth. I realized I just wasn't ready. Two failed relationships of nearly 8 years each left me very gun shy. I had this tendency to jump into relationships with both feet and this time if things didn't work out they wouldn't only affect me they would affect my daughter. So, back into my hermitty shell I went.

Maybe a year later I decided I was ready to put myself out there. So,I decided to give online dating a go. 

I installed many apps (not Tinder that is not what I am looking for). I tried them. Not really impressed. Call me romantic or old fashion, but there is something about the whole swipe left - swipe right thing that makes it feel like flipping through a catalogue. Very impersonal. And it's a numbers game. You have to put in the time to chat with your matches and weed out the creeps from the gems. I personally never found a gem. That might be because I didn't put in enough time. Maybe my expectations are too high... I found it exhausting - talking about myself is not my strong point and things can get awkward. Or maybe it's not about me? 

The guys I chatted with fell into 3 categories:

1) The "so, what are you wearing?" categorie: creeps? Maybe, but at least they are straight to the point about what they are looking for even if you selected "friendship - maybe more" as what you are looking for. This categorie also includes the "your place or mine?" guys who ask that within the first 3 messages.

2) Then there was the long game "your place or mine?" guys who will chat you up for a couple of conversations and seem nice enough and then once they feel they have invested enough time pop the question. Not asking you on an actual date, but wondering where you are going to hookup for what will likely be a one night stand. 

3) Is a special categorie - the sub seeking dom. To a single mom with a daughter who didn't listen to a thing I told her at the time this might be tempting. The words "I will do whatever you want you are the boss." sounded like an angel's chorus! Or at least I did for a hot minute. Then he said "You get to decide everything." Oh Hells no! I have to make all the decisions for my daughter and me, I do not want to have to make all the decisions for the man I am dating for. Now this guy wanted me to be his dom so bad that when I blocked him he made 2 other accounts (maybe he had them already) and tried to convince me to meet up with him.

Special mention for all the guys who messaged me from across Canada and even as far as Florida and Germany and wanted me to visit them. Yeah, let me think about that...so not happening!

A few years later (yes, years again) I had this flirty smile thing with this guy I crossed pathes with on the way to work almost every day. This flirty smile guy was *sigh* adorable. He looked like Wilmer Valderamma.... So, one morning he says "tu es très belle" (you are very pretty) as he passes me. To which I respond with a giggly "merci". (Yes, I am basically a 16 year old girl hanging out in a grown woman's body!) A couple more days pass, more smiling and then we exchange names. The next week he asks to have lunch with me. He wants to get to know me. So, what the Hell, I meet him for lunch. I mean wouldn't you say yes?

Lunch was great. He is originally from Cuba *sigh* and is in university and loves that I am older than him. (Yeah, very suave.) Then the bomb drops. He is married. Unhappily, apparently. They are going to separate. I want to say I told him to take a hike right there and then... but he was a really good kisser *sigh*... After one night of considering this I smacked myself back to my senses. I DON'T want to be this guy's chick on the side or the other woman. So, I told him WHEN he and his wife were actually through and  no longer living together then we could talk. Weeks passed before we ran into each other. He tried to convince me again. He wanted to try things with me and see how they went before he officially left his wife... Like I was a car to test drive! I promptly told him that wasn't how the world worked and that he should lose my number! So cute and yet....

So, what's a girl to do? Maybe being single isn't so bad afterall... For now anyway!😊

Who am I again?

Some of the most awkward moments in my life tend to be when I meet someone new - or worse, when I have to fill out a profile on a dating app. Yes, I am shy and an introvert, but it's more than that. I just never really know what to say about myself. I mean, who am I? What defines me? My go-to is: "Single mother of a x year old daughter. I work in accounts receivable for a local beer company and I am an aspiring writer."

Funny how the first thing that defines me is my role as a single mother, then my job, and my life long aspiration last. I am a single mother, but is it really who I am? It isn't all I am. I am also a daughter,a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a best friend, a running buddy, a member of WW, and a fan a million television shows. But do any of these really tell you who I am?

I am kind, caring, sensitive, generous, neurotic, health conscious, funny (well I think so), sarcastic, snarky, moody, bossy, young at heart, fun-living, frivolous, cautious, adventurous.... The list could go on. So, why don't I say these things in my profiles? Why not mention these when I meet someone and they say "tell me about yourself"? 

I think our society has always defined people by their relationships to others (so-and-so, son of so-in-so, so-and-so's wife/daughter/sister), or our positions/vocations in the world (farmer, banker, maid). The positives in that list are also things we might feel we shouldn't say about ourselves, but things we should just "be" and people will think of us that way. We shouldn't say we are kind, we should just "be" kind. As for our negative or less desirable traits, they aren't exactly selling points on a dating profile. "Neurotic, bossy woman with moody tendencies, but who is also kind and fun-loving" might be a hard sell, not to mention comes off slightly contradictory. 

So, this blog is me, wading my way through the contradictions and self (and society) imposed "titles" to find who I am beyond the "overweight, single-mother, accounts receivable agent". I am going to explore the long aspiring writer and all the other traits and flaws that make up who I am with challenges great and small, physical and mental. I hope you will come along and help me celebrate as I learn to embrace all that I am along the way! 

xxx

Gen